Somehow 35 years have passed since June 15, 1991, when John and I said “I do” at an un-airconditioned church in Medina, Ohio.

We have covered a lot of life in this time, so it came as a surprise that this milestone on the timeline of life has really hit me at the core of my being. I have breezed right past the big birthdays, the fact that our oldest daughter graduated from college 10 years ago, and is now a 30 something. That both of our girls are married and no longer share our last name, I thought it was a fair trade off to grow our family by two wonderful sons-in-love. But wow. Thirty Five years of marriage.

Like, you can’t be married for 35 years and be young. And you are only going to be married for 35 years one time in life. Ok, sure, there is a possibility a person can celebrate this milestone twice in a lifetime, but the odds are not in anyone’s favor. Maybe because John really did almost die two years ago, or maybe because I was listening to a Motley Fool podcast a few months ago and learned that the average age of widowhood is 59 years old, but this anniversary is all up in my head. Don’t get me wrong, I am proud of this accomplishment – and it is an accomplishment. I am also incredibly grateful for this amazing life we have had. But you see what happened there? “we have had” – there is a lot of past tense in 35 years.

I actually feel different. As though the door to any semblance of youth has closed. Like we are entering the Winter season of our lives. I don’t love that. It is not that I mind getting older. I don’t mind if the world sees me as a woman of a certain age. Because I am a woman of a certain age and I am grateful for that. It’s just that I don’t like the finality of Winter. Plus, winter…just eww.

For all of the joy and blessings of our marriage, there have of course been agony and tears. Sometimes self inflicted, sometimes inflicted on each other, and sometimes — to quote my Dad, may he rest in peace – life is just a shit sandwich – and eating those sandwiches is definitely better with someone else by your side.

People often ask how we’ve stay married for so long. There is no easy or short answer to that. We are not that couple that never fights. In fact, we are such polar opposites it has made sharing a life incredibly difficult at times. On the other hand, there is the old adage that opposites attract. I have thought many times that this man has grounded me. Wondered where I would be without him. You will not find a more steadfast human than John Schafer. He likes things to stay the same. I do not. I have often said I used up all of my commitment on him and our girls. I can’t commit to anything else in life. I have had about 29 different jobs in 35 years. Partly because that is the life we chose, and my jobs had to work around his and the kids schedules, but also partly because if I get bored, I move on.

Then there is the fact that John doesn’t like change. I mean he really doesn’t. He has worked at the same company for 36 years. We have lived in the same house for 26 years. He has been driving the same car for 12 years. And married to me for 35. So maybe there is something to being opposites that is the magic sauce. Or maybe we truly are each other’s soulmates. Intended for each other for this life, I have to admit I love that notion.

I don’t mean to imply that staying married forever is a no brainer that just happens. My parents were divorced when I was two. My Dad would marry and divorce again. I have always had a very clear notion that the grass is not greener anywhere else. New relationships will always be dazzling. But eventually they are no longer new. They become comfortable. They face challenges. Things that were endearing in the beginning, over time can become incredibly annoying. Until they become endearing again, in a completely different way. New does not last. Love does.

I really can’t write about our marriage without noting that it started with a tragedy. There was no “honeymoon phase” because John’s Mom passed away at our reception. We spent our wedding night in the Emergency Room and cancelled our honeymoon to plan a funeral. Maybe it was that trauma bonding that sealed our fate for life. We were so young. I really had no idea how devastating losing your Mom is. In hindsight it truly is amazing that our marriage survived such a thing. Any how about me using a phrase like trauma bonding? That didn’t really exist in 1991. Thanks to my emotionally intelligent Millennial and Gen X daughters for helping me evolve into the 21st century.

So here we are! Thirty five years down the road. All of our parents gone from this life. Now it truly is just he and I against the world. Our entire adult lives married to each other. I didn’t mention that we met when we were 19. That is another thing people often ask, how did we meet. We used to say that we met in a café, and we told our girls this for decades. It is true, we did meet at a café. It just happened to be a local dive bar in our hometown called the Strongsville Café. It was the Wednesday night before Thanksgiving. I think this is an appropriate spot for #iykyk Haha.

So cheers indeed to 35 years married to my soul mate. We celebrated this past Saturday with a lovely dinner. We splurged on the Champagne and the wine, because you’re only going to be married for 35 years once.